I am a singularly unmotivated individual.
Allow me to clarify...I do not mean that I spend my days lounging on my couch, eating bon-bons and catching up on my daytime television. I have a job, two kids, a husband. I cook, clean, do the grocery shopping and spend quality time with family and friends.
I also complain about how unfulfilling I find my work. I grumble about how I would like to go back to college but can't afford it right now. I mumble things about finishing my half finished sewing projects, signing up for dance lessons or taking out my oil paints...and yet I do nothing about it.
I have several theories as to why (besides being tired from the day to day..which really isn't a theory, but an excuse).
- I live inside my head. A song comes on the radio, and I choreograph an entire dance in my mind. I see a fabric and immediately fashion an entire dress from it..in my head. I have such confidence in my abilities to execute these things, that once I've realized them intellectually, I no longer feel the urge to act them out in reality.
- I don't want them bad enough. I am content as I am, and the idea of putting forth the effort to accomplish these things usually makes me tired..so I don't bother.
- I'm afraid, not of failure, but of success. If I begin these things, and I'm good at them, what are my responsibilities to them? If I don't follow through, am I wasting my talent?
I want to find something to be passionate about. Something that causes me to break out of this cycle of excuses and act. I want to feel motivated, to jump out of bed each morning, excited to begin my day.
I have been told a number of times, by a number of people, that that's just not how life is. People don't like their jobs, they work to support themselves. I cannot accept this. I can't believe that this is all there is to life. I know there is a purpose for me...I just need to figure out the best way to find it.
Hugs and Smooches,
Belle
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